Monday, May 31, 2010

Hole in the Hand.

Life is flowing out thru the hole between my fingers. One time a palmist told me I would never accumulate money. Them holes. All my trouser pockets also have holes. I once lost a complete purse.
God bless the wife – it takes the woman one full year to mend a torn pocket.
What of it?
What the stitch could have saved the woman would have spent on sandals. A stitch on time couldn’t have saved anything. Life’s experiences distort these damn idioms, you see.
I once traveled thru the Mirik hills, in North Bengal. What a sight. ..The tea gardens look like a huge uneven billiards table. I thought I would die and be a cloud over these hills for the rest of my life – after death that is. Just then my son puked, and I thought I would die of the stench.
If the cause is such what of the result, death must be terrible no?
So we got off the car, finished a box of tissue in cleaning and a can of freshener, went near the tea bushes took three stupid pictures. The wife plucked polythene full of tea leaves. The doctor of botany thought she would brew champagne tea out of it.
Rare time the weather made me happy.
When I was a child in a school I wrote essays on “seasons of India” and sire, we have six seasons like nowhere in the world and people die of it every alternate season. Can you tell me “If more people died of winter of 1997 or summer of a1987 or the rains of 1995? To increase the intelligence quotient of my question I can ask you to contrast the figures with death figures of North Bihar train disaster. Now that is a UPSC question.
Which is better, a bad weather or a bad train?
Before it gets out of hand, and I begin to con you into garnering sympathy I think I will surely die empty handed I mean with all those, “them holes”.
I think I will wrap my hand in polythene.
It takes the plastics 450 years to become a part of nature, so i am told.
Chimps don’t use plastics they have 2% less brain than us human.
Then the wife tells me a joke or is she serious. I had asked her “what is the guarantee we shall stay married for ever?” Said she after a full day of meditation “if you want guarantees buy a car battery why get married” . Eh….all the wives seem to know this one liner.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

The Manager.

The managers face looks like a weathered sedimentary rock. Even at the college parents of fresher asked for direction from him. He looked the most harmless and pristine and stupid.
Manager knows all the theories of life, two kids, a wife and an ambassador car that lives in the workshop three days in a week. Life is full in fact brimming, almost overflowing with stress. 6am he is up, the wife teas. Presses school dress of the little one and big little one, today wife’s too. Little one gets ready at 7, drop him by walk at the play school lunch will go latter. Come back fast fill the washing machine. Goes for a quick incomplete shit, can’t afford to have constipation these days. Will the children ever realize delaying ones toilet is such a huge sacrifice. The manager brushes his teeth after bath, so in goes the white shirts in the wash. Wife hollers tell Babu to finish his milk; will you deliver little one’s lunch? It is ready.

It is past 8. Wife runs in to the toilet, Babu brushing his teeth in another. Quick you have got milk to drink. The white clothes are done, in go the colored ones in the wash. Wife hollers from the throne, put off gas. Oh my god why have you not put the geyser on she hollers again.
8.35 wife rushes out “help me god”.
Babu rushes out of the other bathroom.
“Help me god”
Little devil mimics.
Let’s rush to the bus stop, says the lady.
Manager rushes to start his Ambassador car.
Lucky vest?
The Limousine starts without pushing.
Wife and children come down.
The lady is a sight – Comb struck on the head
Fixing an, earring, checking the nose pin. Babu toddling not far behind.

By the time wife’s sandals are buckled and hair combed we know the bus has gone.
Some parents wave at us because it is polite and the wife is a teacher.
The usual chore of chasing the school bus begins.
Successful chase, got the bus at Bailey road.
Even an Ambassador car has her day.
It is 9.
Manager is at home.
Deliver little ones lunch.
Phone Tarafdar “where are we working??"
“Rajendra nagar”
It will take 15 minutes to reach if there is no traffic.
The manager practices Yoga.
Only Yoga can combine office time& no traffic.
Take it easy.
Take it easy.
“Please wait if I am delayed.”
Leave the washing machine alone.
Bath and brush- teeth under the shower.
Press shirt, and trouss.. Ho, power is gone.
Break the fast?
Rush …
Car starts again, lucky vest?
Crumpled Pants?
No Jam on the bread and on the road.
Manager has an imploding laugh.
Rajendra nagar.
10.15….Not bad
Tarafdar was yet to come.
Have a Sudha lassi.
The day was taking birth.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Oi God ...

This was the second day at the war zone of Kurushetra , historians put the date at some 5500 BC. The mood of the flesh eaters had moved from utter despair to hope to hopeless ness. Thousands of vultures, foxes, wolves, eagles and crows had gathered to eat some fresh flesh. God don’t let us starve said the little fox. The first day saw no battle, no killing at all. Arjun needed some more motivation but it was clear that the god himself was for war.

“God is on our side” said the lame vulture; there was hope in the voice that spread like a killer disease. “This is going to be the feast of our life time, but for Arjun, can’t this man
see, what the god wishes?” Said a wolf. “He will spoil everything if we let him decide” said a young vulture. The lame vulture said “have patience the god always hypnotizes humans, you will see very soon Arjun’s brain will stop functioning and there will be war a big bloody war”.
“Humans are paralyzed in mind and body just by thinking about god, it’s their most ingenious invention which is self defeating ha ha, ha ha” said the hyena.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Mistaken Honesty

Duryodhan was aching all over 18, days of war fatigue had numbed his body but the mind was still ticking with flashes from the past. Hiding in a pond breathing through a lotus stalk the thought ‘what went wrong’ popped.

His management of people was alright, Bhismapitamah, Guru Drona, dear friend Karn, such humongous egos he thought. The anticipated behavior of the enemy went wrong. Who would have thought that Yudhisthir would complete his one year for anonymous living after the twelve year of exile? One just had to ask him his name and he would have been revealed. It was a fool proof plan, the idiot deserved another twelve years of exile. Obviously Dharmaraj Yudhisthir was telling lies every day of the year morning noon and night.
How could anyone defeat us except by deceit? It was the brains of Krishna, with such deceit and manipulation he does not deserve to be called a god and Yudhisthir didn’t object to any of Krishna’s manipulation shocking;
These are certainly bad times;
One can’t expect decent behavior even from the most honest.

Only the dishonest have predictable behavior, ha ha ha Duryodhan almost choked, he had forgotten he was under water hiding from the world in a pond

Saturday, May 08, 2010

catch 22

Over weight people may have a lot of vitamin D, locked with the fat tissue. Lack of free vitamin D, prevents the release of Leptin a hormone which signals to the brain that you have eaten enough. So…

a) Overweight people have an inbuilt system that can make them eat even more.
b) When there is less of vitamin D, calcium absorption will surely be hampered, which increases their risk of osteoporosis.
c) These people often take sugarless sweeteners which have fewer calories than sugar.
These products are also known to suppress Leptin, which again makes them eat more.
d) Overweight people are likely to have sedentary habits, which again makes them more prone to osteoporosis.

It is important that you don’t get in to this trap.

Wednesday, May 05, 2010

growing up..

We often do things in life for mundane reasons like hide a weakness. So in college while my friends chased girls, I was discussing Marx. I used words like bourgeoisie and proletariat quite liberally and it was huge. Birju and me were far too timid, introverted, un smart good for nothings. We did not have the guts and the guile of Ramesh. Birju of the English, major. He-me practiced dialogues for imagined girlfriends, Mahesh always came up with a wittier line and our inferiority complex was complete.

Dialectical materialism was our cover for the skewed personalities that we were. Only Ramesh had a complete ‘all roundly developed’ personality, he was almost holistic. Soon Birju graduated to Don Vito Corleone and we began to have our differences.

He thought Don Vito was a much more evolved specimen of humanity and communism was anti evolution. “if you don’t let anybody think and do differently and grow, then we might as well be bacteria or whatever there was at the beginning of the world”. That stumped me completely though I still couldn’t figure out why Don Vito had to make his fortune from bootlegging despite his intelligence? Birju said it was because of his intelligence, not despite of.

Once we had a heated discussion at the Baba’s tea stall on Vietnam. It was over Lemon tea when he said ‘continue the discussion girls are coming, it will impress them’. Ramesh said ‘only if you order another round of tea’. Tea was ordered.

I met Birju thirty years latter I had changed. Birju had not changed so the differences were glaring. I had become 300 pounds of lard and my movements were slow. He was still 90; we hugged after 30, years, lacerating affection at the reception of hotel Chanakya. Birju had come to attend a wedding reception. I waited for my driver. Soon I was hoping he‘d go to his reception. He didn’t.

We ended up at the icici atm, he borrowed 4000 bucks. He had asked for five thousand I bargained ‘expenses were mounting these days you see’. I had 1247500, in my account. It could have been a thousand less eh. When will I buy that Limmo. Could I lend such amount from my pay?

I still don’t get it. What is the need for every one to do every thing like, pay ones child’s school fees timely?

These days I dig Khalil Gibran.